a long post...me babble on....yes. its stupid. i know it is.

no one understands me..not even my mother. and no one will ever understand how it is to be in another person's life. yet they all think that their life bad...yet the never see how other ppl have it way worse. i know im like that...but here's my resoning: those children who live in africa and are starving, they may suffer physical pain...but at least they can go to heaven earlier than us...be released of all that...yet we all are trapped here. Those girls who got abused over and over; their parents may be mean...but wat ever happened....they do not suffer from the emotional pain? and need i say more those who dont have money. I SAY WHO EVER ****en cares? they dont have money but they all have something: loving parents

ITs never enough. Crying: that's old now. Crying doesn't help. ITs hard to hide back tears...u jsut let them fall...but that's not enough.. everytime you cry, you just feel worse. What's there to loose? Just wish that you would one day just go to sleep and then never wake up again...wat's there to loose? what's there to miss? Those tears....they are always there. They make dents in your heart, theat never goes away. Its always there. Never going anywhere...sometimes you just forget...only for a second and you will feel a wierght being lifted off ur shoulders. You miss the times when u were innocent all nice....and the times when you get good night sleeps, you don't dream of all those...and cry every night. You don't go to bed feeling ashamed of yourself, blaming urself. You don't feel all depressed....i know that other ppl have it worse, i know, bhut its not always true. No one feels your pain. you keep to yourself unitil the day when the bundle of.....just topples over and you feel ur emotions all messed up. Its not easy living like me. its never easy living. what did got put me here for? there's no point in life. now i find out why many want to just die...but im too much of a coward to kill myself,..im not like one of those fakers who always say "omg im soo depressed" its deep inside. i cant comaplin to anyone its soo hard to not complain, but it'll just not come out. that accent sorrow...its never gone completely ..... and when its time to sleep you jsut feel it stab u...growing worse each night. And when you wake up...its juts the same, you jsut want to be gone...out of this "misery u call it" and then you will jsut wonder ever wonder why god, ever...ever made u in the first place. u think that u dont beling in this world. You long for something to rescue u, but u know for sure that its not true....and everything all bunched up....

Its not like my mother's any different from urs. they both love us....or do they? ITs just so hard to understand them sometimes. I feel like im still a kid, and i think i still am...from the way they classify me. And its soo hard sometimes not to argure back and show all ur emotions...all those deep feelings and all of those....bhut then wat if she just looks at u...and then say that ur a failure, that u disappointed her...that she SHOULD be dead, that ur the one torturing her. its not like i can help it...its just me....wat have i done wrong? i want to just die, save everyone the pain...bhut they always end up making things way worse. and then i jsut decide back to...holding it all in again. And to have a dad who dont even care...who makes U work and calls U dumb and U lazy when he doesn't even know anything. And someone who expects U to do all the things they expected GREATLY yet they dont give u anything to start with. all that expectation and all that desires...and greddiness.....and all that....i cant jsut do it. i have nothing with me that guareenteds the things are possible. i mean, its not like im a goddess or anything...im only human. no one to encourage me, no one to jsut look at me in the face and love me for who i am...its soo hard sometimes. and then u jsut fall flat in the face...with nothing to land on and u just sink in deeper and deeper. they call u selfish. and u cruel
and u are the most selfish person alive.
am i?

its soo hard to live like this. i jsut wish that one day i'll die. they just keep holding onto the past nad taking those memories and throw it at you...and when you compalin, they just ignore u...and then yell....scream....cry....guilt.
its soo hard....damn i know it is....its soo hard to live like this is very hard. i know that others have it way worse, bhut so many others get to jsut live as a chikld, have fun...while i dont.
i dont ask for material things...jsut some protection? some love? some hope that im here for someone for something? something to live and hold on for? is it too much to ask. is it? Am i really much that stupid.

my mom would just tell me "you selfish person...you dont think of other people.. why dont u think of others beofre your self for once? but am i really the selfish one??? wat had i done? its not only me....WAT THE FUCK.
and the times when she would say that i have no respect for others
and all of those harsh words she wouold just fire at me...they jsut make me
hurt
sad
like bullets piercing a heart
and dispite all that...i manage to ignore the fact,
and live on...hopefully that day would come....that day im not sure what will happen
but it'll be the reason im here.
i dont treat anyone like trash on purpose
its jsut me "u just want me to do this and that for u u dont love me...fine then ehy should i love u back" those words....i hear them a million times...why does hse never ever say "i love you" for once? why is it that her words are always like frozen ice piecing me?
im gone everyday
and that layer
is thinning
and maybe
maybe
one
day
that layer will be completely gone....and the last words
will kill me soo much
that i will be
me soo much
to actually
relive
ask god for a new life?
no....i jsut want to be gone
somewhere else: no where where no one can hurt me any further
and i'll be somewhere, but nowhere
and i will....
just
disappear.